For those of you who do not know me very well – I’m a walking contradiction. This is not because I am lacking foundation of character, but rather I look at the world minute by minute. Examples: I smoke a pack of heart-darts a day, yet I believe they should be taxed to $50 per pack. I love working hard, but enjoy sitting and spacing out just as much. I hate gambling, yet cannot pass a roulette table without laying 50 on red. I shiver at the thought of stepping foot in a church – yet have a chat with El Jefe nightly. And lastly, I believe we should monitor what we put into our bodies, treating it as a temple. Yet when I wanna binge eat – watch the fuk out, man. This brings me to my point – embracing your inner porker. To me, this means being mindful of what I eat and drink most of the time, but when you get the urge – limitations do not exist. Is this a bad thing? Maybe but it’s my way.
Am I encouraging you to eat fattening, artery clogging shit everyday? Hell no, my countrymen obviously need no assistance in that category. The sheer size of America’s waistline is sickening, I understand (not really) the tendency for those of us who are shackled to desks all day to sit and snack on chips, sodas, Snickers… etc. We eat out of boredom, or as an excuse to get up from our desks for a minute to waddle our fat asses to the vending machine. This is in large part due to our economy moving away from an agrarian one to that of a consumption based economy. Manual labor used to be just called work – now work is sitting at a desk punching keys.
The thing that really pisses me off is when I wait at a crosswalk for a child so fat it would almost be faster to lay it on its side and roll them across. When I was a child I was small, really small in overall height and weight – this was in part to my slow developing gene pool – but also because I was only inside my house to sit down for dinner or to go to bed. The rest of the time I was climbing trees, riding my bike/skateboard (without a helmet because my parents weren’t overprotective stooges), running, playing, and exploring the world around me. Unfortunately that world no longer exists – instead our youth are confined to their Xbox and PS3’s. Children today are trained to be hermits by their over-protective parents – fearful they’ll get hurt or kidnapped by some predator they met online. Guess what peeps, teach you kids “stranger Danger,” how to tuck and roll, and to learn from their mistakes. Don’t coddle them. Don’t make them think the world is out to get them and that the outside is a bad place. It’s not, the world is the same place it has been for centuries – bad people and bad shit exists, always has always will. Unplug the fukn computer, turn off the TV, and send them outside to run, play, scream, fall down, get back up and repeat. Technology is not a babysitter. Teachers are not meant to be parents – that’s your job and if you don’t like it wear a damn jimmy hat!
Wow sorry got really fired up there! The whole point to this is eat well and live a healthy lifestyle, but when you do splurge – eat something hella good not Frito’s and bean dip. Like I said earlier I’m a walking contradiction – so here are a couple of my favorite foods to escape with:
Take animal crackers and place a healthy spoonful of peanut butter on top. Now place 1-2 chocolate chips on top. Next pop those little babies into the microwave for about 20 seconds or until the chips begin to melt. And now you have Zoo Food.
World’s Best Milk Shake
Get your blender out and dust that puppy off. Fill the blender with about 1 cup of ice – I like this because you don’t need as much ice cream and makes it not so creamy (that’s what she said). Now dump a healthy dose of Hershey’s Chocolate Syrup – I go with about a 5 second squeeze (you can always add more later if that’s what you’re into). Now fill the rest of the blender up with vanilla bean ice cream. Take some malted milk – about 3 healthy teaspoons worth into the blender. Here is the secret ingredient: 3-4 Thin Mint Girl Scout Cookies. Crush them up and dump them into the blender. Now pour about 1-2 cups of skim milk in too. Blend the crap out of that stuff. You will probably need to stir it up and blend some more. Give this a try – it’s awesome!!!
Air-Popped Goodness: Courtesy of Blake Sullivan
Air-popped popcorn is the shit and a much healthier alternative for my favorite snack! Go to your local superstore and buy an air popper. They don’t cost more than $20 and lasts forever – I’ve had mine for 12 years! OK, so you will need popcorn kernels they come in either a bag or a jar and cost nothing. Pop 1/4 cup of popcorn into a big bowl. Now melt 2 tablespoons of butter in the microwave and drizzle ove the popcorn. Shake the bowl around as you drizzle so you don’t saturate one area too much. Next take some Crystal or Louisiana Hot Sauce (you can use others, I just like these) and lightly drizzle over the popcorn, again while shaking the bowl. Next sprinkle about 2-3 teaspoons of Slavo Salt over the bowl. This in conjunction with the milkshake above is retarded good!
Grilled Cheese Heart Attack
Get some good sourdough bread that’s sliced thick or even better – buy a whole loaf and slice it yourself about 1/2 inch thick. Now buy some St. Andreas Triple Cream Brie, Gruyere, and Emmental Swiss Cheeses. Evenly distribute the 3 cheeses over the bread and make a sandwich. Now melt a little butter in a frying pan over medium heat. Lay the sando in the pan and cook for about 5-10 minutes or until the bread is golden brown. Flip it over and repeat – after a couple minutes, using a spatula press down on the top of the sandwich, compressing the cheeses together and making it more manageable to eat. When the second side is golden brown remove from the pan and cut in half. Enjoy this with either a glass of ice cold milk or a glass of Ravens-Wood Red Zinfandel.
Please feel free to respond with any of your secret binge foods! Thanks and have a great weekend!